Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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