I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
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We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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