Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
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I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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