I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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