tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
