Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
