Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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