I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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