i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
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I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
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I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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