I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
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He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
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You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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