Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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