sarcasm needs its own font
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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