You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
