some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
