Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
