I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
