I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She bit a glass in half.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
