I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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