I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
The beer is more important than you right now.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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