He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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