woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
