there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember