I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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