I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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