First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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