chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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