I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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