My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
