no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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