Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
