i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize