i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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