I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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