He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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