im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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