At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
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she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
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It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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