What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
