she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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