He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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