I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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