nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
