It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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