pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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