420 ftw
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
