I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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