so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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