All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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