We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
