He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
ttyl tear gas
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
