yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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