he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
