The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
