My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
