you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
