Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
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Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
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Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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