somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
